Words are windows, or
they're walls, They sentence us, or set us free. When I speak and when I hear,
Let the love light shine through me. --Ruth Bebermeyer
10 Tips for Effective Communication
LIZ KINGSNORTH explores the ways we
can improve our relationships with others at home, at work and with friends, by
improving the way we communicate.
1. An intention for connection.
Aim for a respectful and compassionate quality of connection, so
that everyone can express themselves, be heard and understood. Trust that the
connection is more important and more nourishing than being right, or even just
having your say. Connection means to try to be open and stay in touch with what
matters to the other person – and to yourself – in each present moment.
2. Listen more than you speak.
We have two ears and one mouth – a reminder of what is important!
Listening is key to a healthy relationship. Often we are only half listening,
waiting for our chance to speak, wanting to make our point. When our attention
is with our own thoughts, we are not listening. Listening means to enter into
the world of the other person, to intend to understand them, even if we
disagree with what they are saying.
3. Understand the other person first.
When another person feels you understand them, they are far more
likely to be open to understanding you. Willingness to understand involves
generosity, respect, self-control, compassion and patience. Be ‘curious instead
of furious’ about how others are different from you.
4. Understand needs, wishes and values.
Everything people say and do expresses an underlying need, longing
or value. We can learn to identify and ‘hear’ these needs, even when they are
not expressed explicitly. Because all human beings share these needs, they are
our magic key to unlocking mutual understanding. For example, if someone says,
“You are so selfish, you never do anything to help at home,” they are
indirectly expressing a longing for consideration and support, but it is coming
out as blame and judgment. If we can empathise rather than react, we will
connect and the person will feel understood.
5. Begin with empathy.
Refrain from:
Immediately telling your own similar story
Interrogating with lots of data-type questions
Interpreting the other’s experience
Giving advice
One-upping e.g. “if you think that’s bad wait till you hear
about what happened to me!”
Dismissing the person’s feelings e.g. “Oh don’t be angry.”
Dismissing the person’s experience, or telling the person that
this experience is actually good for them!
Generally people appreciate receiving empathy more than anything
else.
6. Take responsibility for your feelings.
What someone else says or does is not the cause for how we feel,
it is the trigger. Our feelings are stimulated by what’s happening. For
example, if someone does not do what they say they will do, we might tell them,
“You make me so angry, you are so unreliable!” This inflammatory accusation
could be rephrased as, “I feel frustrated because it’s important to me that we
keep to agreements we have made.”
7. Make requests that are practical, specific and positive.
Make requests that will help fulfil our needs. This stops us just
complaining, and allows the situation to change. Don’t ask things of others
that are too vague or too big, or are expressed as a negative request, e.g.
“Stop making so much noise.” Be positive and specific, e.g. “I am working. Can
you please use the headphones while playing video games?”
8. Use accurate, neutral descriptions.
When we are upset, we often interpret what has happened, using
judgmental language, rather than accurately describing what has triggered us.
This can get us into a fight immediately! For example, instead of simply
stating, “You didn’t call me,” we might interpret and then accuse, “You don’t
care about me!” First describe the situation in a neutral, accurate way, free
of judgments or blame. Then the communication can continue with sharing
feelings, needs and requests. For example, instead of saying, “That’s a really
stupid idea!” you might say, “If we all go to a movie which ends at midnight
[neutral description], I’m worried [feeling], because the children need to get
a full night’s sleep [need]. Can we go to the 2 p.m. show instead [specific
request]?”
9. Be willing to hear “No”.
Even with these guidelines, our carefully expressed requests might
still elicit a “No” from the other person. Why would this upset us? Is it that
our request was actually a demand that we expect the other person to fulfil? We
have a choice in how we hear that “No”. It could be that something else is
important to the other person; that they had a different need or value alive in
that moment. Maybe the “No” is their request for something else to happen. And
then we are into the dance of giving and bending! “No” is not as threatening as
we might imagine.
10. Ways we communicate other than words.
Everything that is in our heart and mind is expressed through our
body, our facial expressions, the tone of our voice, and the vibrations that
emanate from us. All these are intuitively picked up and understood by others.
Are our words in harmony with these subtler elements? We are manifesting our
consciousness at every moment. To have connection, understanding and harmony in
our relationships, we need to nourish those aspects deeply within ourselves.
Be The Change: What can
you do today to apply one of these ten tips of effective communication? Take a
few moments to reflect on the impact on your day of using one of these
tips. For more information and
inspiration, see:
